RECOGNITION
I find myself standing at the Gate. Though it is standing open, I cannot make myself go in.
There’s no one there – no loved ones, no stereotypical “St. Peter” checking his book, no one. No clouds, no angels, nothing like I ever imagined. Just a towering wall, and an equally intimidating gate. I begin to enter again and again, but then I remember sins that I’ve committed – sins of action and of thought – and I once again have to step back.
“Lord,” I whisper quietly, “help me.”
“Why don’t you go in?” The voice startles me. At the pillar holding up one side of the gate, a man is leaning against the wall. He seems a little familiar, but I can’t place his face.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.” I tell him.
“I didn’t mean to frighten you.” he says, then repeats, “Why don’t you go in?”
“I don’t belong in there.” I say, half to myself.
“You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.”
“I thought that my sins would be forgotten here. But I can’t seem to get past them.”
“Ah, Guilt. But I see no sin in you.” he says.
“But I did sin, a lot. The Lord took the punishment for my sins. I know He has forgiven me and forgotten my sins – the whole ‘east to west’ thing, but I haven’t forgotten them. He deserves so much more than I gave Him.”
The fact that he’s nodding in agreement doesn’t make me feel any better.
“Why did you follow Jesus?” He seems genuinely curious.
“I didn’t have a choice.” I reply.
He looks at me skeptically, so I continue. “There were other options, of course, but none were acceptable to me. Once I felt the Holy Spirit take hold of me, the other options vanished. The love was so overwhelming.” I close my eyes, remembering. “I couldn’t imagine denying His sacrifice and forgiveness.”
“Did you accept the forgiveness He offered? Were you His while in the world?”
“I accepted His forgiveness. But was I His? I tried to be. Many, many times I failed.”
“You speak of actions. I am talking about your heart. He doesn’t expect perfection.”
“I know. And in my heart, I was and am totally His. I still don’t think I can face Him. Why would He have given up all this to save me, when I couldn’t live the way He wanted me to?”
“Couldn’t?”
I look at him and smile a little. “Ok, wouldn’t. It still doesn’t tell me why.”
“You are His child. He loves you.”
“You sound like you know Him closely. Are you Peter?” I ask.
He shakes his head. "No. I
Tell me. How do I face Him, knowing how I’ve hurt Him, and how much He loves me in return? I don’t even think I can look Him in the eye.”
“You’re afraid you’ll disappoint Him.” He says. I just nod. “God doesn’t make mistakes. You belong here, with Him.”
I shake my head. “I love Him so much more than my life reflected. All the things I worried about, things that preoccupied my mind, I see now were meaningless.”
“Do you think He doesn’t know your love?”
I start pacing as I run my fingers through my hair in frustration, more with myself than him. “It’s not enough. Don’t you see? Nothing I ever could have done would have been enough to show Him how much I love and worship Him. He deserves perfect obedience, and I wanted so badly to give that to Him. Yet I disobeyed Him so many times.” My voice drops to a whisper. “I don’t know if I can stand seeing disappointment in His eyes.”
He lets me pace a minute, then asks, “Do you think you’ve done anything that is beyond His ability to forgive?”
The question stops me cold. “No. Of course not. Nothing is beyond His ability,” I say. “I just wish. . . .” I don’t finish the thought.
We are both silent for a few minutes. Then he says, “What did you do before, when you needed guidance?” I think a minute. “I prayed, and the Spirit helped me. Do you think He would come to me here?”
“It can’t hurt to try it.” He’s smiling.
I close my eyes and pray silently, “Spirit of God, You came to me and guided me through so many problems while in the world. I ask that You give me the courage I need to face my Lord.” My eyes fly open as I feel the Spirit in my heart, stronger than He ever was in the world. I gasp as the sensation sends me to my knees. For a minute, the only sound I can make is a small whimper.
When I catch my breath, I shake my head slowly, and whisper, “Oh. Oh, wow. The Spirit is so strong here.”
I sit back on my heels, looking up at him, and his face has a knowing smile, which he is trying unsuccessfully to hide behind his hand. “You knew that would happen, didn’t you?” I ask suspiciously. His nod makes me grin, too.
As I stand, I thank him for listening. I look determinedly at the gate.
“You’re ready to go in, now?” He asks as he pushes away from the pillar.
I nod and I look around, saying, “It’s funny – I always thought there would be loved ones waiting for me.”
“They are inside, waiting. You wanted our meeting to be one-on-one, remember?” I look at him, confused. He smiles, and says simply, “Child.”
And my eyes are opened.
I gasp, and take a step backwards as recognition hit. My eyes widen, and I whisper almost inaudibly, “No!”
He nods, and says gently, “Yes, child.”
My hand flies up to cover my mouth. I did want to see Him alone. As He approaches, I fall to my knees once again, trying to speak, but no sound comes out. How could I have missed the scars on His hands? The marks where the thorns tore His forehead? I couldn’t look away if I wanted to. His eyes have captured mine.
“Oh Lord. I’m so sorry.” It’s barely a whisper. I’m not sure whether I’m apologizing for my life or because I didn’t recognize Him.
He smiles. “You have not disappointed me. You completed what I wanted you to complete. Welcome home.” He places a hand on my cheek, and says, “Your guilt is gone. I have paid your debt to My Father. You are Mine, and we will be together forever.”
Tears begin to stream down my face as I realize that the guilt is, indeed, gone. He takes my hand and I stand, unable to speak. He opens His arms, and I step into them. The tension, fear, doubt and confusion melt into nothing.
“I have looked forward to this for eternity.” He whispers to me.
Without releasing me, He takes my right hand and places it over His heart. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do – feel His heartbeat. Of course, He knows.
“Do you feel it beating?” He asks quietly. All I can do is give a small nod. It takes quite a while before I can speak.
“I don’t understand.” I manage to whisper.
Knowing what I’m asking, He answers, “Ones who come to Me at the end of their lives enter more easily. The guilt is not as strong, because my Spirit was with them only a short time. Those, like you, who have followed Me longer feel more guilt. because My Spirit in you convicted you when you sinned.”
I can hear His smile as He adds, “And you did want us to meet alone.”
The thought creeps in that I am in the arms of, and crying on, the Creator and God Almighty. I should be on my face worshiping Him, and I’m crying on Him instead. Before I can move, He says “You are where I want you to be.”
I look up at Him. “You can hear my thoughts.”
“Of course. You are Mine. And I am yours – you can hear My thoughts, as they pertain to you.”
I return to His embrace. Do You meet everyone? I ask silently.
“Yes, those who need Me to.”
I am so glad, now, that I did need Him. I feel His love flowing into me – it’s so breath-taking, I can’t think. “Let it flow back to Me.” He whispers. I mentally open the channel holding His love, and feel it flowing back into Him. He increases it exponentially and gives it back to me.
And I finally understand what it means to soar. . .