Time Alone with Him
I hear Jesus in my heart: Follow My Spirit, little one. “Of course,” I whisper. Soon after, I feel His Spirit tugging me out of the wedding supper, and down a hallway that I hadn’t noticed before. “Where are You leading me, Spirit?” I say to myself.
I am startled when Jesus steps out from behind a column. He was leading you to Me. I kneel on one knee, bowing my head to Him. He takes my hand, saying Rise, and we walk down the hall. I am curious, but there’s no question of trust. “Where are we going, Lord?” He just smiles as we come to a door.
He pulls me to the door, and steps behind me, reaching around to open the door. My mouth drops open as I enter into the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen. It’s like a studio apartment, in that it’s all in one room, but it is huge. I look at Him questioningly. Look around. See what you can find.
He crosses His arms and leans back against the door, watching me as I wander around, touching the plush blue velvet sofa and chairs, the beautifully carved tables, and the mesh canopy surrounding the bed. But my eyes are drawn to the larger table on the far side of the room. When I glance back at Him, His eyes are sparkling, and He nods encouragingly. There are several scrolls and very old books sitting there. He knows that I love ancient history books. I pick up a scroll very carefully. It isn’t printed type, it’s hand-written.
My eyes read the title, “The Beginning.” My eyes fly to His as I realize, “It’s in a form of Hebrew.” He smiles, Yes, you can read Hebrew.
I open it further and begin to read out loud: The creation of God’s world; Ten years after God’s judgement flood, I, Noah, recount the creation as given to me by my grandfather Methuselah, who received it from his grandfather, Adam, the first of the created ones. Stunned, I look at Him. It is what Moses based the creation story on. It was lost to humanity many years ago, He says. With respect, I carefully re-roll the scroll.
I continue to wander around, finally making my way back to Him. “This place is perfect, Lord.” It should be. I created it for you. My eyes light up and I whisper, “Really?” He nods, but then adds, “Well, not just for you. It is our bridal chamber. We will stay here for a while, and our relationship will deepen during that time.” My heart feels a combination of thrill at having time alone with Him, and uncertainty.
He sees the confusion in my eyes. You are My bride. While in the world, this would be considered our honeymoon. However,” He adds as my eyes grow large, “then, you were primarily flesh, therefore husband and wife became one flesh. Here, all are primarily spirit. We will become one Spirit during this time.”
I still don’t understand, my pounding heart says to His. It is here that you will come to realize just how much I love you, beloved. He smiles teasingly and adds, You are nervous. When I don’t answer, He adds, You enjoy being nervous. I nod. I was one of the few people who relished change, and always have liked the unknown. “I just don’t know what to expect, my Lord.” He approaches me, and I kneel. As He pulls me to my feet, He tells me, That is appropriate elsewhere, but it is not necessary here. He leads me to the velvet sofa, and we sit. I am very uncomfortable, sitting on the same level as He is. You’ll get used to it.
Somehow, I never expected this. My nerves get the better of me and I have to say, “Lord, I don’t understand.” He laughs quietly and cups my face in His hand. As all brides should be, you are innocent. I will teach you all you need to know. There are a few things that will be familiar to you. Such as this. His hand lifts my face to His, and He gently brings His lips to mine. It is a very gentle kiss, but totally unexpected. As He pulls away, He smiles at my stunned expression. Your spirit understands more than you are aware. However, I know that you enjoy anticipation. Therefore, we will go through the process more slowly. Unable to speak, I nod, acknowledging His assessment of me.
He bends as if to kiss me again, but stops less than an inch from my lips and breathes out gently. As I breathe in His breath, I feel His Spirit filling my heart, much like He did when I was saved, but many times stronger. I gasp, taking in more of His Spirit. My whole body begins to shake in reaction to the Spirit’s presence. I become overwhelmed, and without thought I reach up and pull His lips to mine. We separate, and my hand covers my mouth in disbelief at what I’ve just done. I wonder if I should apologize.
It’s alright, little one. You’ve done nothing wrong. “It just doesn’t seem right, Lord. I mean, You’re so perfect, so holy, and I’m. . .” His finger on my lips halt my words. You, too, are holy, remember? I sanctified you. The relationship between husband and wife was meant to be holy and pure. Our relationship, while not identical, is also holy and pure. Who am I, child? I whisper, “You are God.” He nods. And if I say you are holy, who are you to say different? It is a mild rebuke, but one I am grateful for. I smile in understanding.
I curl up in His arms, thinking. In all the hours I’d spent thinking about being with Him, this close, intimate relationship had never occurred to me. But being in His arms is so comforting, and I feel so protected, that I doze.
I wake up slowly. As my brain focuses, I realize I am lying in His arms on the bed, with my head on His shoulder and a hand on His chest, feeling His heartbeat. I lift my head carefully, and look at Him. He is lying on His back, with one arm around me and the other stretched above His head. His eyes are closed and His breathing is slow and steady. “He’s asleep,” I think. Now’s my chance to just look at Him. My eyes travel hungrily from His flowing hair, to the thorn-scarred forehead, past heavy eyebrows and long eyelashes to high cheekbones. My gaze then goes to His beard, then finally to His mouth. My face pinks as I recall His kiss, and breaks out into a full blush as I remember that I kissed Him.
I lay my head back on His shoulder and sigh quietly, not wanting to awaken Him. My hand returns to His chest, feeling His heart beat. In my mind, I try to determine how I can be so nervous, yet so comfortable in His arms. Of course, He was right, I DO enjoy the excitement of not being sure of what’s next. I love being surprised. But I still am not sure what exactly He means by becoming one spirit.
I am sure that there is a lot more to it than He’s shown me so far. Though His Spirit flowing through me involved some physical feeling, I realize that my spiritual emotions, which I didn’t even know were separate, were much more strongly affected. The hunger to be close to Him was increased, not satiated, by His kiss, and the sharing of His Spirit. Given the choice, I’m not sure whether I’d rather progress slowly in our relationship or quickly. When you decide, let Me know.
I pick up my head again and look at Him. He has not moved, except He is smiling now. “I thought You were asleep,” I whisper. He shakes His head. I was waiting for you to awaken; then I was waiting for you to finish looking at Me. I blush a little at being caught. “You must know how beautiful You are, Lord Jesus.” The sentence slips out unwilling lips, but despite my embarrassment, I’m glad I said it, because it causes Him to open His eyes and look at me. I hold His gaze for as long as I can, then lay my head back down on His shoulder.
Close your eyes, beloved. I do, and He places my hand over His heart once again. Feel My heart beating. It is strong now, but it stopped once. For three days, it lay dead and lifeless in a tomb. I willingly paid your penalty, so that you could come home to Me. But it began beating again. It has continued to beat for over 2000 years, waiting. Waiting for you. Loving you. Do you realize that it beats for the sole purpose of loving you? If you were the only one My death saved, I would have eagerly lived and died in exactly the same way, with the same passion. Can you even fathom My love for you? His words and the rhythmic beat of His heart have almost sent me into a trance. “I want to understand it, Lord.”
There will be a time that you will be able to understand somewhat, but not for a long time. For now, there is this. With that, His Spirit flows into mine. I am not as startled, and I relax totally, submitting to the feeling of our spirits intertwining. However, my voice is still a little shaky as I whisper, “Jesus, I want to give, too.” I am so glad He can hear my thoughts, because I know what I said didn’t make sense. He responds, showing me how to give, as well as take.
In a little while, we look again at the ancient scroll. It is a fascinating story, somewhat like the one in the Bible, with some small but significant changes. I ask about them, and He answers, pointing out changes I had missed and telling me the whole story. On one day, He actually takes me back to creation, showing me how accurate both descriptions are – neither are very accurate. It is so much more than words can say. He stands behind me, and takes my hands in His. He forms a light in my hands as I stand amazed. As He removes His hand, He whispers, “Toss it up.” I do, and it becomes a star. “That one is yours. You will always be able to find it when you want to.” I can’t help but laugh.
Later on, I’m thinking about it, and am unsure of how I feel. I’m looking out the window, where the rolling hills are covered with flowers, but I’m really not looking at them. I feel His hands on my shoulders, His love washes over me. You are concerned. I nod. Do you understand why, child?
“I’m not sure, Lord. But You understand, I know You do – will You tell me?” He shakes His head, No, you need to understand yourself and your feelings. He turns me around, and lifts my gaze to His. Talk to Me. He leads me to the sofa. He sits, but I kneel at His feet. Sit with Me, He says. I whisper, “Please, Lord Jesus. I want to be here.”
I take a deep breath. “That was fun. I really did enjoy it. Thank You for the experience. But I don’t want to do it again.” He nods as He says, Tell me why. I’m not sure how to express myself, so I just start babbling. “When I came to You, the idea of belonging to You was very intimidating. You were so much bigger than I was. So much stronger, just so much more. That very quickly changed from intimidating to comforting. I loved the fact that You were always everywhere, always understanding, always strong. I felt very protected. When You brought me home, I understood so much more, could see so much more. But You were still bigger, still God. I understood more, but wasn’t any closer to being like You; and I didn’t want to be. It was such a thrill to bow at Your feet, knowing that You are who You are. It still is. Not just when I bow, but every time I see You, or touch You, or even think about You. Thank You so much for giving me this experience, Lord, but You are the Creator, not me. I don’t want to be higher than I am; You are infinitely above me in every way. And I never want that to change, even one little bit. I guess I don’t want to lose the awe I have for You.” I run out of steam, and sneak a peak up at Him, trying to gauge His reaction. He sweeps me up into His arms, squeezing me tightly. It makes more sense to Me than you realize, child. I would never do that to you. I love you too much, just the way you are. No matter what skill or power I choose to give you, understand that I will always be Who I am, and you will always be who you are. I know your preferences, and your lack of desire for power is one of the reasons I love you so much. Come, let me show you something.
We rise and go to the table, where a new book appears. He opens it, and there is an image of a being that is so beautiful that I touch the picture to see if it’s alive. He shines so brightly, even in the picture. His white wings and clothing are in contrast to his ebony hair and eyes. Only Jesus Himself is more beautiful. “Who is it, Lord? He’s beautiful.” There is a great deal of sadness in His voice, as He says, That was My best friend. It is a picture of Lucifer, before his fall. I gave him more power than any other created being, and we were as close as brothers. But He became greedy for power, and caused many wonderful angelic beings to fall. He looks at me. Your concerns are music to My ears, little one. It shows a great deal of wisdom. Do not be concerned. Like you, I wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship. We return to the sofa, and He pulls me down beside Him. I say, “It’s funny, Jesus. All my life I wanted to be stronger, more in-charge. When I came to You, all I wanted was to be weaker, to be helpless before You. I guess that hasn’t changed at all.” He holds me for a long time, running His hand over my hair, and occasionally kissing the top of my head.
On another day, He takes me to created space, showing me galaxies, solar systems and planets. I see them all in one huge picture. He brings me to one system and points out the delicate balance that causes everything to run properly. Then He takes me to a place that is almost exactly like the first. “Isn’t this the same system?” I ask. He shakes His head, amused. The first system He had shown me was a solar system; the other was an atom. “But they looked the same!” I object. They are the same. There is no difference. They are interchangeable. “Wow.” I whisper as I look into His eyes.
During all this time, our spirits intertwine more and more, until I’m not sure where my spirit stops, and His starts. It occurs to me that we’ve been together for a long time. I reluctantly express the thought. “Lord, I don’t ever want to leave here. But won’t the others be missing You?” They don’t even know I’m gone, because I’m not. Just as I could be with millions of believers at the same time in the world, I can be in many places at one time here at home. “Can we stay here forever, then?” I ask in complete seriousness. When we do leave here, beloved, your spirit will be so intertwined with Mine that you will not feel the need for us to be physically together all the time. And we will return here frequently.
I ask, “Lord, will our relationship be different when we leave here?” As is His way, He answers with a seemingly irrelevant question, but I know it will lead me to my answer. In the world, you were many things to many different people – employee, teacher, wife, mother, daughter. Which role was the most important to you?
I look up at Him. “An impatient betrothed, waiting for her Bridegroom.” I say mischievously, only half teasing. He laughs. “You were impatient, weren’t you? Was it worth the wait?” He laughs again at the look I give Him. “Other than that, which one?”
“I guess mother.”
When you were being a mother, did you stop being a wife, or daughter? I shake my head, no. Neither will My role in your life be changed. In here, I am primarily your Husband. In the throne room, I will be primarily your God. But both are present at all times. You have stopped automatically kneeling in My presence in the past few days. That urge will return in the throne room. But not here. Do you understand, beloved? I nod, whispering, “I think so.”
I am startled when Jesus steps out from behind a column. He was leading you to Me. I kneel on one knee, bowing my head to Him. He takes my hand, saying Rise, and we walk down the hall. I am curious, but there’s no question of trust. “Where are we going, Lord?” He just smiles as we come to a door.
He pulls me to the door, and steps behind me, reaching around to open the door. My mouth drops open as I enter into the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen. It’s like a studio apartment, in that it’s all in one room, but it is huge. I look at Him questioningly. Look around. See what you can find.
He crosses His arms and leans back against the door, watching me as I wander around, touching the plush blue velvet sofa and chairs, the beautifully carved tables, and the mesh canopy surrounding the bed. But my eyes are drawn to the larger table on the far side of the room. When I glance back at Him, His eyes are sparkling, and He nods encouragingly. There are several scrolls and very old books sitting there. He knows that I love ancient history books. I pick up a scroll very carefully. It isn’t printed type, it’s hand-written.
My eyes read the title, “The Beginning.” My eyes fly to His as I realize, “It’s in a form of Hebrew.” He smiles, Yes, you can read Hebrew.
I open it further and begin to read out loud: The creation of God’s world; Ten years after God’s judgement flood, I, Noah, recount the creation as given to me by my grandfather Methuselah, who received it from his grandfather, Adam, the first of the created ones. Stunned, I look at Him. It is what Moses based the creation story on. It was lost to humanity many years ago, He says. With respect, I carefully re-roll the scroll.
I continue to wander around, finally making my way back to Him. “This place is perfect, Lord.” It should be. I created it for you. My eyes light up and I whisper, “Really?” He nods, but then adds, “Well, not just for you. It is our bridal chamber. We will stay here for a while, and our relationship will deepen during that time.” My heart feels a combination of thrill at having time alone with Him, and uncertainty.
He sees the confusion in my eyes. You are My bride. While in the world, this would be considered our honeymoon. However,” He adds as my eyes grow large, “then, you were primarily flesh, therefore husband and wife became one flesh. Here, all are primarily spirit. We will become one Spirit during this time.”
I still don’t understand, my pounding heart says to His. It is here that you will come to realize just how much I love you, beloved. He smiles teasingly and adds, You are nervous. When I don’t answer, He adds, You enjoy being nervous. I nod. I was one of the few people who relished change, and always have liked the unknown. “I just don’t know what to expect, my Lord.” He approaches me, and I kneel. As He pulls me to my feet, He tells me, That is appropriate elsewhere, but it is not necessary here. He leads me to the velvet sofa, and we sit. I am very uncomfortable, sitting on the same level as He is. You’ll get used to it.
Somehow, I never expected this. My nerves get the better of me and I have to say, “Lord, I don’t understand.” He laughs quietly and cups my face in His hand. As all brides should be, you are innocent. I will teach you all you need to know. There are a few things that will be familiar to you. Such as this. His hand lifts my face to His, and He gently brings His lips to mine. It is a very gentle kiss, but totally unexpected. As He pulls away, He smiles at my stunned expression. Your spirit understands more than you are aware. However, I know that you enjoy anticipation. Therefore, we will go through the process more slowly. Unable to speak, I nod, acknowledging His assessment of me.
He bends as if to kiss me again, but stops less than an inch from my lips and breathes out gently. As I breathe in His breath, I feel His Spirit filling my heart, much like He did when I was saved, but many times stronger. I gasp, taking in more of His Spirit. My whole body begins to shake in reaction to the Spirit’s presence. I become overwhelmed, and without thought I reach up and pull His lips to mine. We separate, and my hand covers my mouth in disbelief at what I’ve just done. I wonder if I should apologize.
It’s alright, little one. You’ve done nothing wrong. “It just doesn’t seem right, Lord. I mean, You’re so perfect, so holy, and I’m. . .” His finger on my lips halt my words. You, too, are holy, remember? I sanctified you. The relationship between husband and wife was meant to be holy and pure. Our relationship, while not identical, is also holy and pure. Who am I, child? I whisper, “You are God.” He nods. And if I say you are holy, who are you to say different? It is a mild rebuke, but one I am grateful for. I smile in understanding.
I curl up in His arms, thinking. In all the hours I’d spent thinking about being with Him, this close, intimate relationship had never occurred to me. But being in His arms is so comforting, and I feel so protected, that I doze.
I wake up slowly. As my brain focuses, I realize I am lying in His arms on the bed, with my head on His shoulder and a hand on His chest, feeling His heartbeat. I lift my head carefully, and look at Him. He is lying on His back, with one arm around me and the other stretched above His head. His eyes are closed and His breathing is slow and steady. “He’s asleep,” I think. Now’s my chance to just look at Him. My eyes travel hungrily from His flowing hair, to the thorn-scarred forehead, past heavy eyebrows and long eyelashes to high cheekbones. My gaze then goes to His beard, then finally to His mouth. My face pinks as I recall His kiss, and breaks out into a full blush as I remember that I kissed Him.
I lay my head back on His shoulder and sigh quietly, not wanting to awaken Him. My hand returns to His chest, feeling His heart beat. In my mind, I try to determine how I can be so nervous, yet so comfortable in His arms. Of course, He was right, I DO enjoy the excitement of not being sure of what’s next. I love being surprised. But I still am not sure what exactly He means by becoming one spirit.
I am sure that there is a lot more to it than He’s shown me so far. Though His Spirit flowing through me involved some physical feeling, I realize that my spiritual emotions, which I didn’t even know were separate, were much more strongly affected. The hunger to be close to Him was increased, not satiated, by His kiss, and the sharing of His Spirit. Given the choice, I’m not sure whether I’d rather progress slowly in our relationship or quickly. When you decide, let Me know.
I pick up my head again and look at Him. He has not moved, except He is smiling now. “I thought You were asleep,” I whisper. He shakes His head. I was waiting for you to awaken; then I was waiting for you to finish looking at Me. I blush a little at being caught. “You must know how beautiful You are, Lord Jesus.” The sentence slips out unwilling lips, but despite my embarrassment, I’m glad I said it, because it causes Him to open His eyes and look at me. I hold His gaze for as long as I can, then lay my head back down on His shoulder.
Close your eyes, beloved. I do, and He places my hand over His heart once again. Feel My heart beating. It is strong now, but it stopped once. For three days, it lay dead and lifeless in a tomb. I willingly paid your penalty, so that you could come home to Me. But it began beating again. It has continued to beat for over 2000 years, waiting. Waiting for you. Loving you. Do you realize that it beats for the sole purpose of loving you? If you were the only one My death saved, I would have eagerly lived and died in exactly the same way, with the same passion. Can you even fathom My love for you? His words and the rhythmic beat of His heart have almost sent me into a trance. “I want to understand it, Lord.”
There will be a time that you will be able to understand somewhat, but not for a long time. For now, there is this. With that, His Spirit flows into mine. I am not as startled, and I relax totally, submitting to the feeling of our spirits intertwining. However, my voice is still a little shaky as I whisper, “Jesus, I want to give, too.” I am so glad He can hear my thoughts, because I know what I said didn’t make sense. He responds, showing me how to give, as well as take.
In a little while, we look again at the ancient scroll. It is a fascinating story, somewhat like the one in the Bible, with some small but significant changes. I ask about them, and He answers, pointing out changes I had missed and telling me the whole story. On one day, He actually takes me back to creation, showing me how accurate both descriptions are – neither are very accurate. It is so much more than words can say. He stands behind me, and takes my hands in His. He forms a light in my hands as I stand amazed. As He removes His hand, He whispers, “Toss it up.” I do, and it becomes a star. “That one is yours. You will always be able to find it when you want to.” I can’t help but laugh.
Later on, I’m thinking about it, and am unsure of how I feel. I’m looking out the window, where the rolling hills are covered with flowers, but I’m really not looking at them. I feel His hands on my shoulders, His love washes over me. You are concerned. I nod. Do you understand why, child?
“I’m not sure, Lord. But You understand, I know You do – will You tell me?” He shakes His head, No, you need to understand yourself and your feelings. He turns me around, and lifts my gaze to His. Talk to Me. He leads me to the sofa. He sits, but I kneel at His feet. Sit with Me, He says. I whisper, “Please, Lord Jesus. I want to be here.”
I take a deep breath. “That was fun. I really did enjoy it. Thank You for the experience. But I don’t want to do it again.” He nods as He says, Tell me why. I’m not sure how to express myself, so I just start babbling. “When I came to You, the idea of belonging to You was very intimidating. You were so much bigger than I was. So much stronger, just so much more. That very quickly changed from intimidating to comforting. I loved the fact that You were always everywhere, always understanding, always strong. I felt very protected. When You brought me home, I understood so much more, could see so much more. But You were still bigger, still God. I understood more, but wasn’t any closer to being like You; and I didn’t want to be. It was such a thrill to bow at Your feet, knowing that You are who You are. It still is. Not just when I bow, but every time I see You, or touch You, or even think about You. Thank You so much for giving me this experience, Lord, but You are the Creator, not me. I don’t want to be higher than I am; You are infinitely above me in every way. And I never want that to change, even one little bit. I guess I don’t want to lose the awe I have for You.” I run out of steam, and sneak a peak up at Him, trying to gauge His reaction. He sweeps me up into His arms, squeezing me tightly. It makes more sense to Me than you realize, child. I would never do that to you. I love you too much, just the way you are. No matter what skill or power I choose to give you, understand that I will always be Who I am, and you will always be who you are. I know your preferences, and your lack of desire for power is one of the reasons I love you so much. Come, let me show you something.
We rise and go to the table, where a new book appears. He opens it, and there is an image of a being that is so beautiful that I touch the picture to see if it’s alive. He shines so brightly, even in the picture. His white wings and clothing are in contrast to his ebony hair and eyes. Only Jesus Himself is more beautiful. “Who is it, Lord? He’s beautiful.” There is a great deal of sadness in His voice, as He says, That was My best friend. It is a picture of Lucifer, before his fall. I gave him more power than any other created being, and we were as close as brothers. But He became greedy for power, and caused many wonderful angelic beings to fall. He looks at me. Your concerns are music to My ears, little one. It shows a great deal of wisdom. Do not be concerned. Like you, I wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship. We return to the sofa, and He pulls me down beside Him. I say, “It’s funny, Jesus. All my life I wanted to be stronger, more in-charge. When I came to You, all I wanted was to be weaker, to be helpless before You. I guess that hasn’t changed at all.” He holds me for a long time, running His hand over my hair, and occasionally kissing the top of my head.
On another day, He takes me to created space, showing me galaxies, solar systems and planets. I see them all in one huge picture. He brings me to one system and points out the delicate balance that causes everything to run properly. Then He takes me to a place that is almost exactly like the first. “Isn’t this the same system?” I ask. He shakes His head, amused. The first system He had shown me was a solar system; the other was an atom. “But they looked the same!” I object. They are the same. There is no difference. They are interchangeable. “Wow.” I whisper as I look into His eyes.
During all this time, our spirits intertwine more and more, until I’m not sure where my spirit stops, and His starts. It occurs to me that we’ve been together for a long time. I reluctantly express the thought. “Lord, I don’t ever want to leave here. But won’t the others be missing You?” They don’t even know I’m gone, because I’m not. Just as I could be with millions of believers at the same time in the world, I can be in many places at one time here at home. “Can we stay here forever, then?” I ask in complete seriousness. When we do leave here, beloved, your spirit will be so intertwined with Mine that you will not feel the need for us to be physically together all the time. And we will return here frequently.
I ask, “Lord, will our relationship be different when we leave here?” As is His way, He answers with a seemingly irrelevant question, but I know it will lead me to my answer. In the world, you were many things to many different people – employee, teacher, wife, mother, daughter. Which role was the most important to you?
I look up at Him. “An impatient betrothed, waiting for her Bridegroom.” I say mischievously, only half teasing. He laughs. “You were impatient, weren’t you? Was it worth the wait?” He laughs again at the look I give Him. “Other than that, which one?”
“I guess mother.”
When you were being a mother, did you stop being a wife, or daughter? I shake my head, no. Neither will My role in your life be changed. In here, I am primarily your Husband. In the throne room, I will be primarily your God. But both are present at all times. You have stopped automatically kneeling in My presence in the past few days. That urge will return in the throne room. But not here. Do you understand, beloved? I nod, whispering, “I think so.”